At almost 50 years old I had my very first Aha! moment. At first it felt like a gut punch until I really understood it and realized the life-changing gift that it was.

This epiphany, came after a accidental conversation when I briefly mentioned my birth defect to a colleague who is a psychology professor she said to me “ill” children in adulthood either seek attention because that’s what the illness brought them, or they shrink to invisibility to not be a burden to anyone. I am the latter. That moment explained to me why I an the person I am today. I do not want to “bother” anyone, including my own kids. I, too, as I write this realize how ridiculous that sounds.

     Aha! That was it! For almost 50 years I believed my childhood circumstances were my role in life!

     So how do we recreate our story that is so ingrained in who we are, we often aren’t even aware it’s there, nor realize we can create a new story?

If you haven’t healed it, every time you think of a negative event from your past, the body produces the exact same chemicals in the body as when it happened. That means you relive the experience hundreds of times simply because you haven’t let it go. ~ Bryan Mirabella, Quantum Fitness

As children, we cannot process, nor do we have the life skills yet to understand our emotions and that most things in life are not about us, nor our fault. It’s our naivety of assuming that circumstances are somehow our fault that often leads to whatever negative association our child-selves attaches to it. This disassociation often follows us throughout our lives as a never ending story and when we become adults it seeps into our marriages, parenting, career, and persona.

CinDiLo 8 years old

At 4 lbs. 11 oz. and 3 weeks premature I came into this world quietly as the much younger of three girls. Although I seemed healthy, the first time I was fed, I turned blue. Realizing something was immediately wrong, they called in a pediatric specialist. My parents were told I was born with a birth defect called a Tracheal-Esophageal Fistula (often shortened to TEF) meaning my esophagus was not connected to my stomach. At first doctors were not sure how severe it was, if I had any other defects which is often the case, if it could be repaired or if I would have to be tube fed for the rest of my life.

     I lived at the hospital for the first year of my life and they didn’t know if I would ever live a “normal” life. I learned how to walk while I was hospitalized, but not without complications. I was five years old before I was in the clear, and, the long-term hospitalizations caused many other medical issues, which is another story for another day. 

I, luckily, do not remember any of it. I do, however, remember how my parents and sisters would get upset the few times they ever talked about that period of time and I felt guilty when they were still emotionally upset and could barely talk about how I was sick. Their emotions alone told me how it turned their lives upside down for several years. It effected them all a great deal and I am grateful I don’t remember it, but I am sure its is tucked away in my subconscious somewhere.

I was much younger than my sisters, and most of my cousins. I was mostly a quiet observer and I thought my opinions did not count because I was the baby, the young one, the sick one, the one that needed protection. You see how we tell ourselves these stories? And then we define ourselves with that story forever, if we let it!

Once I recognized it, it seemed to simple. Yet, it shows how complex our mind is.

So here it is, the gift Professor Roseman gave me and I gift to you: this is the Universe giving you permission to release your story. You no longer have to define yourself by what happened to you. I know, I hear you, and you’re right, your past molded you into who you are today, but it is not all of you. You are more than a role, a stigma, a perceptualized past. You are who you decide to be in this moment, and the next, and the next. Trust me. It’s time. Release your story. Create a new one. This will be your new story. The one that you will consciously create each day the one you will navigate into your future, propelling you toward peace.

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     Despite the heartache I felt “I caused” my family, I do know that I was very much loved. In my family, love was often shown by how much you worry about someone. I believe that is true for many families, wouldn’t you agree?Parents worry of course, so do siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins, spouses, friends, everyone. Everyone worries about everyone else because, hey, that’s how we care, right?

The Creative Adult is the Child Who Has Survived*
~ Julián F. Fleron

Although I don’t remember my difficult start in life, I am convinced that’s why I have the drive to create opportunities and make experiences for myself whenever possible. Despite whatever was happening to me or around me, (medical treatment, hospitalizations, strangers poking me with needles) it was up to me to make the parts of my life that I could control my own creation. It was a survival tactic that I wasn’t even aware I was making.
     I write this NOT as a woe is me piece about being a sick child. I write this to acknowledge that every single one of us have wounds that haunt our adult lives. It is about where we came from, why we are who we are, and where we’re headed. It’s about all of us creating our lives from where we are, with the wisdom and intention we have. Here and now.

P.S. Me getting this gift from the Universe, via Professor Roseman, solidifies for me that there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason.

 What is your wound from your childhood? Are you ready to let it go? Some may be horrifically painful. How can you honor yourself and let it go and heal? It starts with loving yourself enough to explore how this has impacted your life up to today. Experts suggest these practices that may help you break through and go beyond it to heal:

• ??‍♂️ Meditation – this was the start of my journey about 5 years ago. I took a class on medication at the local community college and learned basics. Online I was able to learn more and eventually created my own mantra. Go to my Instagram Page for my 1 minute video of my personal mantra that I shared on February 10, 2018.
• ✍? Journaling – writing down your thoughts has proven to be healing and revealing. All of our thoughts jump around all day and often create a chaotic loop that brings anxiety and agitation. I know it helps me tremendously to sort out my feelings and I realize that they are just thoughts that I can choose to change at any time. Every year I order one of these Personalized Journals and although I don’t write in it every day, it’s there when I need it.
• ? Activities – revive a childhood dream or activity that you loved. Close your eyes right now and think back to the activities that made time stand still, yet fly by. That is where your passion is, your calling, your place of peace. If it’s something fun, silly or for children, then good, it’s about time we started having real fun again. This will fulfill you more than you know. Whatever it is, start today by researching how you can get involved in it again. By next week, make it a goal to start, even in baby steps if you have to. This blog was registered one year ago. I didn’t write anything for about 7 months. I have been taking baby steps because that is all I can do at this point in my life. But even these little snippets of time I steal to write and keep up with its social media content fulfill me (and at times frustrate me) because I am back to doing what I was meant to do, write. 
• Therapies – individual as well as group therapies are extremely helpful when we need direction and clarity. Did you know that now there are many counselors and therapists that will have sessions by FaceTime or by telephone after an initial consultation? Please do not be concerned about any stigma related to seeing a therapist. Most people at least one time in their life find themselves needing guidance to propel them out of a difficult time. 

(Disclaimer: I am not a health professional. I share techniques that have worked for me. Please reach out to family friends, and professionals if you or someone you know feels hopeless call 1-273-TALK (8255) for help and support).

* the origination and meaning of this quote is unclear, yet attributed to this professor, Google it if you want an even more confusing explanation.

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