Marriage is not some sappy love story on the Hallmark Channel like “Our names are Nicholas and Holly and we fell in love at church on Christmas Eve as the first snowflakes fell in Littletown, U.S.A.“?
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This is “real motherf@cking life ~ Author Jen Pastiloff
Like everyone else, we didn’t know anything about marriage going into it. It’s possibly the least thing we were prepared for, even less than having kids. At least that had a “What to Expect” guide.
1988
My husband’s childhood friend who was there the night of our first kiss recently asked me “What’s your secret? No one I know is happily married.” It was about midnight on my husband’s 50th birthday and I was too tired to think or come up with a reason off the cuff. But it’s had me thinking ever since.
After 30 years together, 26 married, I can honestly tell you there are no magic ingredients, sage advice or words of wisdom that would work for every couple. I questioned “what are the factors that makes a relationship work and what works for us?” My non-professional, on-the-job experience analysis:
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I don’t always like you, but I always love you ~ Anonymous
Love?
I think most would agree that romantic love based on friendship is the ideal relationship. You truly have to love and like each other for the long haul. This is the foundation of any relationship.
1990
Not long ago I read about a study where they tried to determine if love was a feeling or a decision. The determination was that the feeling of love may ignite a relationship, but that couples at some point have to decide to consciously stay in this relationship and keep love going. Or not.
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Sometimes I look at you and wonder how I got so damn lucky ~ Anonymous
Luck?
Is it luck? Yes and no. Yes, in that you found one another and (hopefully) both entered into it wholeheartedly. No, in that at some point luck will run out and you learn really fast that marriage is real motherf@cking life!
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It’s not about having the right partner, it’s about being the right partner ~ Anonymous
The Right Partner?
1992I can honestly say I didn’t really grasp this saying until about 20 years in. When I was younger I thought “why should someone even want to be the right partner if their partner is a jerk?” Now I understand that it means that it takes two. You do your part and your example sets the tone for your marriage. My husband was the one who set this tone of being the right partner and I learned how to be the right partner from his example. Of course, only works if both of you are committed to making it work every day. Every. Day.
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Always kiss me goodnight ~ Anonymous
Kissing?
It’s true, my husband knows the keys to a thriving marriage and set that bar for the both of us. He tells me every day that he loves me. We kiss hello and goodnight, no matter where we are. We always make it a point.
2018
I can easily get frazzled and be in my own world and when the kids were small I was often focused on whatever was going on with them. He would stop me in whatever I was doing, kiss me hello and it would ground me and help me see the big picture in that moment. For him, this little act of unwavering love for our babies to witness every day, I am forever grateful.
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It is good to be loved. It is profound to be understood ~ Portia DeRossi
Understanding, No, Really “Getting” Each Other?
Writing this gave me another viewpoint, my husband’s viewpoint. The one which I chose to block out all these years. It’s the realities of his job in law enforcement that he lives 24/7, he is never really off duty. I tried to block this fact out of my mind all these years, especially when the kids were young and I didn’t want my thoughts to stray as to what would we do without him. His job reminds him every day to tell those he loves how he feels. Most days I know he is grateful to finish his shift and come home to his family. So am I.
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Intimacy is not purely physical. It is the act of connecting with someone so deeply you feel like you can see into their soul ~ Anonymous
Sexy Texts?
You know how we start our every day now that we are pretty much empty nesters? He arrives at work when my alarm goes off and he usually sends something like this text below, even when it’s not Valentine’s Day (you didn’t think I was going to share the really sexy texts here, did you?)
If you don’t get the produce reference, ask a teen or look up the 2018 movie “Blockers” (I apologize in advance)
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Marriage is half listening and half ignoring. Knowing when to apply each is the key ~ CinDiLo
Communication?
Ok, this is my weak point. Thank God my husband learned how to read my mind! Seriously, we all know communication is so vital, yet the only instruction we have is what we’ve observed and experienced as children. At some point i needed to grow up and learn these skills. I am great at written communication and at explaining and teaching, but I usually fall short in responding appropriately during one on one conversations. Especially if they’re emotional or volatile. My point is, talk with each other regularly. Don’t hold back or avoid the important issues.
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Couples start growing apart the moment they stop growing together ~ Author Ryan Frederick
Growing Together?
Another element that seems to be a factor is growing together. All of us are always growing and changing with the ages and stages of life. Growing together, too, I believe is a conscious decision made by both partners to nurture and support one another in all areas and phases of life. Well, within reason, I think you know what I’m saying. Remember Ralph Kramden and how he always had a crazy scheme going? Thank God Alice was there to check him back into reality!
So how has our marriage worked? Still not really sure there’s any magic recipe. A sense of humor certainly deserves an honorable mention.
2016
We’ve known too many couples who were together forever too, and now after 20 or 30+ years they are getting divorced. Throw in kids, jobs, bills, parents, household chores, illness, self growth, it’s a wonder any marriages work for any period of time.
Don’t get me wrong there have been plenty of days where I’m being a jerk, or he’s being one, or the kids are being jerks, so we’re jerks to each other, and that’s life. Yep, it’s always real, motherf@cking life!
I do wonder though, would this same recipe work for others? With others? Probably not.
So, my answer to his question? Here’s my most succinct advice, as I toasted as a Matron-of-Honor years ago:
? Always remember you’re on the same team. It’s you two against the world, not each other ~ CinDiLo
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