Preface: The title of this piece is not to suggest this is a humorous topic. Far from it. If you follow this blog you know this is my style of writing. I do jest, but I’m friggin’ serious!

Warning: ‘White Fragility’ may rear its head in the points below. THAT is why I urge all women to read on. It is also the reason that I feel so strongly that this shared space is needed for the benefit of both White Women (“WW”) and Women of Color (“WOC”). A few points I’d like to clarify:

Point 1.  Yes. I am addressing WW because, as a WW, I see very clearly that we need to understand this, and we really DO NOT, because we never truly can. Now is the time to utilize our Brene’ Brown knowledge and practice our vulnerability. NOW it is the time to learn from Women of Color (WOC), and really listen, with no buts, no why mes, and no this is too hards. The time is now to open our hearts to support WOC in the way they NEED to be supported.

Point 2. Yes. I am amplifying and sharing voices of WOC and their point of view because they really need us to get it. WOC certainly get it. All too well. Every Day. For this article, four amazing women share their real and raw vulnerability in an effort for others to reach way deep down for theirs. I invited them to this discussion and asked them HOW they need to be supported and while they admit they do not have all the answers, they answered from their experiences, their wisdom, their lives.

Point 3. No, this is not meant to shame fellow white women (WW), but to call attention to the bubble we white women tend to keep ourselves in and especially to the non-glaring subtle ways we undermine, compete with, judge, and dismiss WOC. Really. I want you to think about how we have done this individually, and as a whole.

Point 4. No. This is not to undermine WW’s hardships. It’s to strengthen the circle of all women and invite, include, and stand together, because of, and despite, their hardships as women.

Point 5. No. This won’t be a perfect tied-up-in-a-bow feel-good article, or a miraculous solution to a systemic problem written by a midlife WW. I am sure I am saying something wrong, in someone’s opinion somewhere, and that is okay. It will not deter me from honoring my inner calling to bridge a gap within my community of midlife women where WOC speak and WW listen, and we start an imperfect conversation. Ready? Let’s go.

For months now I have observed that those on their “I’m not racist” white-privileged soap-box, do not truly understand that racism IS part of POC’s lives every day, in some way, shape, or form. Still. In 2020. For centuries. Specifically, when a white person is called “privileged” they think that it implies they are monetarily wealthy, or never worked for a living. No! It means that as a white person you can go about your day and life without constantly guarding yourself in fear of making a false move and being judged or targeted by people who see only your skin color.

In speaking to fellow WW about the current events and tipping point of our nation, and humanity I have heard many many retorts. Yet the one I did not actually hear with my own ears or read with my own eyes was the unspoken “if it doesn’t affect me, how is it mine to fix?”

We can’t fix it. Not alone. I do believe with the generation coming up, acceptance and tolerance are more prevalent. Almost a non-issue in their lives – except, of course, for the adults in their lives: at home, at school, on the street, and on social media. I am hopeful that their grandchildren hear and learn about this time and that real progress had been made, and that their generation sees racism as ancient, ignorant, ridiculous and unimaginable. I remember reading about segregation in grammar school in the ’70s and thinking that it wasn’t so long ago and how degrading, sad, and wrong that was.

Generally speaking, of course, WW want “everyone to get along.” They don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or have anyone dislike them. That’s what was ingrained in most of us in our childhood. We were told “be nice” or “that’s not nice” if we spoke our truth and it wasn’t what someone was ready to hear, accept, or acknowledge. Many of us WW are strong women in so many ways, but the measure of strength shows up when it really counts. Will you stand up to your family, friends, and society to amplify black voices and not allow jokes, innuendos, or a myriad of ways some can demean a fellow human being with a darker skin tone than you? Will you?

Strength is where I feel WOC truly have the advantage. As interviewee Valerie Albarda  shared “WOC fought for who they are their whole lives. They fought to prove themselves as a person of color, and then had to continue pushing even harder as a woman.” I am pretty certain WW know all too well the feeling and struggle to prove ourselves when we feel invisible in an office of men, when we are interrupted and talked over in a conversation, when we feel uncomfortable around men who make creepy advances, when we don’t speak our truth so we don’t hurt someone’s feelings, even when they are hurting or diminishing ours.

Further, as a general rule, WOC were blessed to be raised around other strong WOC who, as each generation before them, had similar struggles, compounded by the myriad of issues caused by systemic racism and inequality for centuries. We all know the struggle to be a woman, and to be a WOC often creates a constant mode of survival. I ask you to really sit with that for a minute.

The truth is that, sadly, without being told how, most of us WW do not know how to support WOC in a specific way. We want to support, and we say we support, yet, my observation is many WW have always seen their world through their own lens. And the reason is fair, how would we know, or how could we know? Interviewee Kay Kirkman expressed “what WOC perceive as being clear as day, is that systematic racism is a daily presence in American culture, and the fact that many white people are just now noticing it, is a bit hard for black folks to believe.” 

 After all, we realistically cannot step into women of colors’ shoes? But we can stand beside her, and listen, support, fight, protest, march, preach, teach, start conversations, write letters, blogs, articles, sign petitions, lobby for change. Whatever your heart, skills, talents, and platform are, it’s imperative to amplify black voices.

What does “amplify black voices” mean? It means, first, and foremost, very loud and very clear, we have to lay our egos aside. This is NOT about you, me, us. It is about people of color (POC). Period.

And why specifically are white women being called out by black women? Because as both Kay Kirkman and Carmen Rubin, introduced below, agree that WW do NOT see a problem, is the biggest problem. WOC have been fighting for themselves, their families and their race, forever. They invite us to be allies because we are the mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and sisters, to the future generations of America. And America needs change.

Ok Karen, now that your ego is in check, your mouth is closed, and your ears are open, it is time we let WOC’s voices shine. That’s it. Here and now is when we share, follow, support, and amplify their voices. How? Buy their books, utilize their services, listen to their podcasts, follow their social media platforms, pay for their anti-racism education courses. Anti-racism resources are provided at the end of this article. You are welcome.

It’s time to meet these Four Fierce, Fabulous WOC whom I invited to this conversation. Support them in their lives, work, and in their communities:

Kay Kirkman Support her work and hire her as a speaker, trainer, life and career coach. Schedule a complimentary 30-minute ‘Career Clarity’ personal, one-on-one coaching session with Kay here . Keep in touch with Kay on her IG / Instagram on her podcast ‘The GenX Career Show‘ 

 Carmen Rubin Support her work by buying her books for your children, your classroom, or your library. Her beautifully illustrated children’s books’ main characters are girls of color and on her U.S. reading tours she provides an interactive reading sessions to grammar school children. as well as remotely.  She is also the founder of a non-profit organization, One Blue Village which assists underprivileged high school students in furthering their education. Follow IG / Instagram  Facebook @carmenrubinauthorTwitter @Iamcarmenrubin

Valerie Albarda Support her work by listening to her podcast Midlife- & bit.ly/itunesmidlifeagogo and subscribing to her Blog in her quest to educate and entertain other midlife women while helping them transition through life’s ‘second spring’ with confidence. Follow her on Facebook @midlifeagogoIG / Instagram @midlifeagogoTwitter @midlifeagogo

Allyssa Jones Support her work through her platforms as a music and arts educator, a woman of color podcaster, creative retreat leader. Her music and media company Jones Creative & Consulting, produces engaging, inspiring experiences that unite art forms and blur genre boundaries. IG: @msallyssajones @thatspinsterlifepodcast @bigeasybean; Facebook: @msallyssajones Twitter: @msallyssajones; LinkedIn: @allyssajones 

Here We Go: 5 Things WW need to Understand and Act Upon to Support WOC

1. Don’t stand on the sidelines.

Let’s unite as only women can. WOC have always been fighting the fight. Every. Single. Day. They want nothing more than support from other women in the way that they need it. This does not mean their hardships lessen yours. It proves we have more in common as women, than any other factor.

Kay suggests “Challenge your white friends when they say things in ignorance regarding race.  Don’t remain silent out of comfort.  Be willing to take a stand in whatever way works for you.”

Allyssa stated “Those who are in tune with the divine feminine (regardless of gender) know that the truest show of strength is in the act of creating balance. We who identify as women tend to be more able to tune ourselves to the divine feminine. That makes us better able to find ways to attune and collaborate with others, whether across divides as narrow as conference tables or as wide as ideologies, or across distances as wide as class[rooms] or as narrow as a neighborhood street.”

Carmen described women as both tame and wild.  “Women can start a fire, keep it burning, and extinguish it at any given time – then heal the wound from the burn.  Could you imagine a world without women?  Me either.  Our instinctive nurturing ability to turn men’s heads has caused them to both listen to and fear us.  Women are the wind that changes the direction of the sail…the direction of who we are and where we all go.”  

Valerie believes that “women are pivotal in the course of change, but I don’t believe that it is our burden alone to bear. I believe many men, especially black men, are taking the reigns and establishing control because they want to leave this world in a better place for their children and grandchildren, especially given the events of the day.”

2. Join WOC.

WW need to join WOC in their lives, in their work, in their communities, in their organizations, and events. WOC are not blaming WW directly They ask that you make an effort to join them in their circles, not only in yours.

Kay recommends “Support black businesses when possible, give black people opportunities when you can, promote and champion our causes as you see fit, be an advocate for change and support all of those who are on the front lines in whatever way you see fit.” 

Allyssa brings to our attention “We as Black people have to change almost everything about ourselves simply to survive. Full stop. It’s about survival. I want WW who only have meaningful relationships with one or two WOC to make more WOC friends. If I am forced to function in a predominantly white sphere, WW with aspirations of ‘wokeness’ who want to be my friends should AIM to restructure their spheres, so that they are at least 60/40 white/Black. This means stepping outside one’s bubble and, yes, making a concerted, determined effort to at least start a conversation with a WOC in the same space. If “there aren’t any,” find ways to expand your bubble. And if you still “can’t find any,” have an honest conversation about why (in other words, what’s the REAL reason) and make a plan to deal with that.”

Carmen suggests to find the common denominator.  “As long as there is “us” and “them” there will always be a line of distinction. I have never seen separate and equal.  Whatever the WW believes in or fights for, dig deeper. There’s a WOC somewhere nearby fighting for the same thing.  One can chase a thousand, but two can chase 10,000…”

Valerie gives the example “If a white woman stands up and uses her voice in defense of a black or another woman of color, the racist lunatic may call her an “n-lover” another such derogatory term. People don’t want that. So they don’t get involved. People need to get involved. We are the minority. Our voices aren’t enough. We need allies.”

3. Listen.

Be quiet and truly listen. DO NOT rebut, nor follow up with any type of ‘BUT’

Kay explains “I appreciate any and all efforts by White Women to understand what is going on and educate themselves. However, stop expecting black people to constantly educate you without doing any of the work for yourselves.  It is like a person is standing in front of you who is on fire, and you’re asking what you can do to help.  The person might be preoccupied with their own pain and suffering and is busy trying to put out their own fire to stop and educate you, when in their mind it is very clear what you could do to help.  There is a wealth of information for white people to consume, that could give you the information you are seeking.  I think for me, if you come to me after doing research on your own, to ask questions or ask for clarification, I’d be more open than if you just ask me what you should do with no ideas of your own.  For most black people, it’s obvious, so that comes off as condescending.”

Allyssa asks that you “Please stop debating with us. If you ask us a question, do not respond to our response with, “I can totally relate, because one time…” (contextualizing with/centering in the white experience) and/or “But is that really about race?” (minimizing the Black experience). There is no need for this.”

Carmen pleads “PLEASE stop saying “BUT” because when you say “but”, it changes the direction of what the person is thinking and speaking to what you are now thinking and speaking.  That is not listening…or learning.”  

Valerie wants to stop hearing “We’re all in this together.” No. Nope. No ma’am. We aren’t. Our lives are different. The assumptions about white women are not the same as assumptions about blacks. Those are different brush strokes. That’s the rub of inequality. To say we’re all in the same boat is really saying you’re seated comfortably in that boat while we’re the ones manning the oars and rowing the damn boat.”

4. Learn. 

There are so many resources for us to learn and grow, through anti-racism educators, books, research, seminars, etc. Then ask any question, so long as it is genuine, and not insulting, it is fair game.

Kay agrees “We definitely all need to work together but black people are exhausted with having to give you all of the answers.” 

Allyssa explains “just listen [to WOC]. Take mental notes. Then go away and do some work. It is sad that it feels as though my role in [WW’s] lives has transitioned from ‘good Black person it is safe to befriend’ to ‘instant balm for or absolver of white guilt.’ Whatever the case, and regardless of the nature of our relationship, I feel like [I am] a box to be checked. That is sad.”

Carmen agrees that “racism is not an easy topic for most WW.  This is the perpetual behavior I have spoken about many times.  It’s a lazy response to a very serious problem – that most don’t see as a very serious problem.  These are the parents who send their children on their first day of school, thinking that ‘they are raising them to treat everyone the same’ and their children greet ours at the door with ‘hey chocolate face’.  Most of us long to be THAT relaxed in our parenting. It’s not an option for most WOC.   Thankfully, I feel a new wave of energy coming, as evidenced by this conversation, and it gives me hope.”

Valerie shares “my husband is white. He came to me and asked me how he can support me. We’ve been married for almost 11 years. He’s seen me struggle with racial issues over the years, and he still has a difficult time articulating the how’s and what’s of his support. His biggest concern is not wanting to ask the wrong questions or stupid questions. I tell him as long as the question comes from a place of sincerity and genuineness, I won’t be upset.”

5. Accept responsibility.

Every person is connected. Your actions, or lack of action, will ripple through those you touch, and continue to vibrate across the planet.

Kay feels that “when people say that they treat everyone the same, or in the case where a mother feels it isn’t necessary to discuss racism with her child, it is a way to deflect from having the difficult conversation.  For many white people, to admit the presence of racism would cause them to have to dismantle long-standing beliefs and many are not willing to do so.  Also, by not educating her child on racism, she is ignoring the experience of every black person in this country.  Just because as a white person you might wish it was true, that racism was a non-factor, it doesn’t make it so.  The differences in our culture, and the presence of racism are important to recognize and also valifates the experience of black people in America.”

Allyssa says “We are where we are, because of the fear of loss of power, the clenching of fists around what we are afraid to lose. The divine feminine calls us to open our hands- and selves- to acting equitably (even if it feels temporarily unbalanced in the opposite direction) in order to achieve true equality.”

Carmen wants WW to understand that “WOC aren’t blaming you directly (unless you are guilty). We know that you are not solely responsible for the systemic racism that has become the DNA of America, but we want you to understand that you reap from it in one way or the other – and guess what?  Sometimes just acknowledging that out loud helps WOC continue in their work to help others understand the plight of WOC in America.  We want WW to stop being afraid of WOC. You’d be surprised how many WW are okay with helping WOC until they are up for the same job, role, or approached with a question they don’t like, or the WOC’s child receives something that the WW’s child didn’t. We want WW to stop taking your children to “white only” events…parties, mommy and me, family gatherings, and friend hangouts. I’m amazed at how many young people don’t see people of color until they go to college. THAT IS A REAL THING IN 2020”!

Valerie says “people need to get involved. We are the minority. Our voices aren’t enough. We need allies. Be responsible with your words and actions. A woman I recently encountered on Facebook had the unmitigated gall to go on a rant about “Black lives matter” by saying “all lives matter,” then she said “no, all black lives don’t matter” in response to looting and rioting that was taking place. She then put the nail in the coffin when she asked me, under the guise of ‘genuine concern, “Tell me, Valerie, I really want to know, what can I do to help if blacks won’t help themselves?” I have zero tolerance for people who speak out of both sides of their mouths, for people who try to race-bait, or for people whose heart isn’t in the right place. Her motives weren’t genuine and neither was her question.”

In an effort for WOC “to do something.” POC are calling on us to support them by having these hard conversations. In an attempt to ask fellow white women to talk to their children (including their adult children) about racism, one response I received was “Why do I have to discuss racism with my [white] children? I raised them to treat everyone the same.” Yes. She did say this! Responding on my feet, I said that the topic itself is akin to bullying. You address ALL the children. You do it so your kids learn to recognize bullying and speak up to the bully and also to speak for the one who is bullied. We can no longer tolerate bystanders. Everyone has to be part of the [difficult] conversations. Everyone. 

Author’s Notes: Take some time to think about what these women shared and how you can show up in ways that are wanted and needed. Be consistent in your awareness of how WOC not only share the same struggles as all women; they also have additional and different struggles due to their skin color. Make a difference every where you can. Every time you can. I promise, the ripple effect will take care of the rest.
~ CinDiLo

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